I should be moving forward with my tale of last week, but, I hope, as this is my blog and I can write what I want, that you will bear with me and listen whilst I transgress. I don’t mind if you have constructive comments to put forward but please, do not judge me harshly, I am fragile at the moment and trying to put things in perspective.

Just as I was beginning to think things were on the up, life dealt me another massive blow beneath the belt, which totally knocked me for six. Life has a habit of doing that to me and the cruelest thing of all is that I know it is usually as a result of my own stupidity.

The week started badly when, early on Monday morning, my computer was hacked by a vile scammer. I was eating a hurried breakfast before a bowls match and like a complete ass, took heed of a warning message from Microsoft…. Of course it wasn’t Microsoft, I know that now, but I followed given instructions and welcomed said hacker in with open arms, to help himself to my bank account and actually anything else he fancied. Thankfully, as I was talking to him on the telephone and he asked me to pay a one off fee of £192, I smelled a rat and hung up before too much damage was done. I then went tearfully to the bowls club and an ex copper and trusty team mate advised me how to proceed. As soon as I could, I went to the bank and they were brilliant – freezing my bank account, cancelling cards, setting new passwords etc. They took a note of the phone number of the hacker and together we reported the situation to the Fraud Squad. Said squad advised me to change social media passwords, online shopping accounts, etc. etc. I then had to take my computer to a professional repair shop to be properly cleaned. The whole experience cost me £70 which I can ill afford and the inconvenience of not having ready access to bank accounts etc. until the new cards arrived. It also cost me my pride – I just cannot believe I am that stupid but I will never be caught like that again!

This disaster averted, I then ran headlong into the next, which is serious and has huge implications. As is my pattern, I went into melt down and complete denial and as usual, my instinct was to hide away, without telling a soul and without seeking help. Unless you have had similar experiences to my own, you will not understand what it is like to enter this complete, un-seeing panic mode. I can only tell you that all reason flies out of the window as I plummet like a stone to the ground. I become a terrified rabbit, caught in the line of dazzling car headlights and frozen to the spot as the object of my fear hits me head on. And yet, perversely, I manage to behave outwardly as though everything in the garden is rosy. On this occasion, however, fate had plans of her own and as luck would have it, my son happened to ring me just as I was inwardly spiraling out of control. I tried to conceal my problem, not wanting to burden him with my difficulties but my boy knows me well and loves me as I am, warts and all. He immediately realized that something was wrong and drew the facts from my unwilling lips. The problem is not an easy one to solve and there will be difficulty ahead – that is unavoidable but, do you know, just the act of sharing my situation with someone I know and love so much, made it instantly less terrifying. Why haven’t I done this before, do I hear you ask? Because I believe that I am not worthy of anybody’s time or care and feel that they are better off without me.

My dearest boy and I have spoken at length about the current situation and, whilst of course, he cannot wave a magic wand as he is only human, he promises me that he has my back. Even more incredibly, I think I begin to believe him. An unusual sentiment for me and one I have not experienced for many years. The World can be so harsh at times but it is amazing how the circle of life whirls around. The little boy whose hand I once held and who I cradled in my arms and protected from harm now cradles me in my twilight years and holds me together. How humbling. How marvellous…

And so, dear reader, I hope you will forgive that I have wandered from the point of my tale this week. I felt it important to share with you this latest turn of events as it happens. Unlike the familiar rabbit, transfixed by the headlights of fear, I will move cautiously to the side of the road where I now know there are willing arms waiting for me. And I will face the problem head on.

Finally, I hope the dear writer of the words below will not mind if I share them with you. They so helped me with their beauty in my hour of need and may help you too. I will treasure them always. Thank you:-

“Free yourself. Close your eyes and hold your hands out and pretend I am putting butterflies in your hand. Pretend it is raining rose petals. Please don’t wait for perfect conditions. You are living everyday with perfect conditions. I believe in you.”

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